I'm not really sure where to begin with this, so I'm just going to go.
I was very inspired by one of my Trakkers teammates, Mike, the other day when he spoke of being real and transparent on his blog. I generally consider myself to be very transparent. What you see is what you get with me.
I've been feeling kind of down and just generally not myself. Mike put up a very raw post that got me to thinking that I haven't been totally transparent here and elsewhere because I didn't want people to think something was wrong. I didn't want people to think they had to ask me what was wrong or comfort me. I'm not sure why I felt that way, but I have found myself struggling to write posts lately because the things I really need to write weren't uplifting or funny or inspiring or interesting.
The fact of the matter is that there is no rule that says we must be happy all the time. Sometimes life is hard and throws you a whammy here and there. And I feel like I have had them coming left and right lately. It all started around Thanksgiving when I really let my feelings get hurt by someone in my family. Without going into details, it was one of those situations that I had absolutely no control over, and I'm not sure if what happened was intentional, but I was very hurt (actually am still very hurt) and not feeling very holiday-like.
Not feeling very holiday-like was compounded by a lot of issues Ryan has been going through at school and home that culminated with me in the principal's office...several times. Somehow I made it through 12 years of school without ever going to the principal's office...leave it to my child to make sure I end up there sooner or later.
And then New Year's rolls around, and I felt like I should be reflecting on what a wonderful year I had and what a great year 2011 is going to be, and instead of feeling like I had a wonderful year (which I did) I could only think about the last 6 weeks of it, which weren't so great. Which made me feel ungrateful for the really wonderful life I have been given.
So, what does this have to do with Wonderful You Wednesday? I realize this isn't a be-happy post I usually write, but I am really feeling like sometimes someone just needs to give us permission to feel overwhelmed. Permission to feel sad. Permission to feel hurt.
My mom called me today, in that way moms do, and asked me what was wrong. She just knew even though I had not said anything to her. And she listened without judgment and told me it was okay to feel this way sometimes. She said it's okay to just let myself feel these things, because they are real, and I'm not doing myself any favors by pretending they aren't there. It's okay for people to realize I am not always "myself." Thank God for my mom. Sometimes, even when you are 36, you just need your mommy.
So today, I will say that I do not feel happy every second of my day. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel hurt every now and then. And acknowledging that helps me let it go, so I can find that joy I usually have in my heart again. I can put all of that onto something much greater than I will ever be. God did not call me to be perfect. And that is okay.
And that is being real.