Friday, August 27, 2010

A Work in Progress

I am currently 36,000 feet above Mississippi or so and decided that now would be a perfect time to ramble on my blog.  And, yes, if you are wondering, I paid $10 so I could be online right now.  My initial thought was that I would get a lot of work done, which I am, but I am also enjoying not feeling guilty about spending time on the computer.  Do you ever feel that way?  My guess is that if you are a blogger you do.  If you are a mother, you probably do.  If you are not reading this, you probably don't feel guilty about this, but probably do feel guilty about something else.

I feel like I haven't just written in a while.  I've been so busy lately that I am just doing the things that need to get done and ignoring the things that I want to do.  And then if I do something I want to do, then I feel guilty about it (see above paragraph).

So what's with all the guilt?

I'm not really sure.  I think it has a lot to do with the way I was brought up.  I think it has a lot to do with my personality.  And, I think it has a lot to do with being a mother.

Even my four year old knows how to tap into my guilt with great success.  Last night, as I was headed off to lead an open water swim, he literally ran after my car down the driveway and all but threw himself under the wheels to get me to stop....which I did...I mean, seriously, how could I not stop?  I felt terrible!!  And now he knows that it works!!

I sometimes wish I had a guilty button that I could just switch off.  I always feel like I am justifying everything I do.  Even as I write this I am thinking, "Maybe you are doing the wrong thing if you are trying to justify it all the time."  But, honestly, I feel that way regardless of what I am doing.

I think this is just something that I am going to have to chip away at.  In a way, I feel like I am a beautiful statue that is still being created.  The Artist takes the chisel and creates the basic structure.  As He progresses, he chips off smaller and smaller pieces.  He takes His time deciding which chip of stone will be next.  He smooths the rough edges and rounds out the corners.  He sees what the stone will become before He even begins.  He knows the beauty and wonder that each chip will reveal.

What I need to remember is that I am not the Artist.

3 comments :

  1. I feel that way a lot too lol... especially about saying no to people or standing up for myself... it always makes me feel guilty... I know how you feel!

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  2. When you figure it out, will you let me know? I am constantly making myself feel guilty about something!

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  3. AMEN. Keep listening to your heart...it's the artist mentality...it's when you stop listening that you will have a problem! Proud of you!

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