Thursday, August 12, 2010

Middle-of-the-Night Reality

First, let me set the scene with a little background:
  • I used to sleep in my underwear.  I realize that might be a little too much information for the blog world, but there you go.  As my two boys have gotten older, I have realized that sleeping in my underwear when we pretty much have an open door policy to our bedroom, is maybe not the best idea.  So the other day, while browsing the clearance racks at my favorite money-sucker, Target, I spotted this cute little nightgown for 7 bucks. It's a little "young", shall I say, for me, but, hey, $7 for my modesty, or lack thereof, is pretty good.  It's actually quite comfy, and I like it better than I thought....thinking about going back for another one.

  • I have been battling some achilles issues and yesterday my Strassburg socks came in the mail.  I was excited to try them, and when bedtime rolled around, I put on my frilly nightgown and my straightjacket socks, brushed my teeth and hopped into bed.


Right as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Noah get up to go the bathroom.  He has a squeaky door, so I always know when it is him, but after he was done, and I heard the toilet flush, I didn't hear the door close.  Then I realized the light was still on, and I could hear him doing something down there.

So I roll out of bed and walk down the hall in my frilly nightgown and my crazy socks, and see my youngest child standing on the stool at the bathroom sink, covered in poop, trying to wash himself off with toilet paper.  Oh, yeah, and it smelled awful!!  I considered taking a picture, but that would have meant going downstairs while leaving the poop-covered 4 year-old in the bathroom.

I asked him what happened, and he immediately blamed Ryan.  Of course, Ryan was sound asleep in his bed, and I couldn't figure out what Ryan had to do with Noah being covered in poop.  (I keep saying he was covered in poop, and I'm sure you are thinking, "what does she mean by that?"  Well, he had smears of poop on both legs and arms, all over his butt, stomach and back, and I'm pretty sure there might have been some on his face.)

Then Noah looks at my socks and says, while crying, "What's wrong with your feet?"

I would like to tell you that I stayed calm in the face of this epic, middle-of-the-night disaster...but that would be a big fat lie of the magnitude that my angelic son, Noah, told me, after I found the huge (and I do mean huge) poop in the middle of his floor next to his bed.  Oh yeah, and there was some on the bed, too...and little smears in the carpet from his room to the bathroom.

He finally admitted that he "just felt like pooping in his room."

I was just a bit annoyed.

Even more so, because my husband, whom I love dearly, was asleep, blissfully unaware, in our comfy bed despite all of the lights in the upstairs being on, and all of my yelling and screaming at him, at Noah, and anyone else I could think to yell at.

Whoever said misery loves company certainly knew what they were talking about.

After I got my head around the situation, I realized...I don't want to get poop on my brand new socks!!

So I removed the socks, which was a bummer because they took like 10 minutes to get on, started the tub and put the now-crying Noah into it, scooped up the turds from the carpet and flushed them, found all of the poop-smeared clothes and the superhero cape that Noah had used to try to "clean up", removed the sheets from the bunk bed and replaced (which is a pain in the back, literally), washed my child, cleaned the carpet, cleaned the tub, got Noah dressed and in bed, took all the dirty laundry downstairs to the laundry room (I would have started it, but there was already a load going in the washer), washed myself up (at this point I felt like my house was going to smell like poop forever), took the ten minutes to get my socks back on, and finally was back in bed, frilly nightgown still poop-free and intact.

And my husband was still snoring away.

Why is it that reality always happens in the middle of the night?


  1. No lie. The same exact thing has happened to me. The poop smell will go away ... eventually. Hope tonight is better!

  2. What a crazy story! Oh my. And HOW is it even remotely possible for a man to sleep through all that? I'm positive my husband would have as well. Of course, I might have marched into the room and dragged his butt out of bed to help clean!!

  3. Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I cried! I just love little boy logic!

  4. LOL, ok its wasnt funny, and maybe still not funny, but soon it will be funny as well to you. Look at it this way, one day, a couple decades down the line, imagine how red his face will be when you tell his wife this story.

    And from a guys prespective, if I was sleeping and I was woken by my wife yelling something to the fact of "there is poop smeared in the carpet, bed, clothes, all up and down the hallway, all over the bathroom" after all of that, I would have pretended I was still asleep, I bet anything he was awake for at least part of it and fell a sleep after things calmed down

  5. Wow, you are really nice. Any middle of the night things that happen here go like this: assess problem, make sure child is okay, wake husband because I'm not doing this alone! You let your hubby sleep. You must be a saint. As for the poop, not quite to that extreme, but been there, done that. Thankfully, kids don't tend to repeat the poop then smear it all over very often. I hope tonight's sleep goes better.

  6. I think maybe as you were cleaning poop I was cleaning puke! I for once went to bed early for me 10:30 and at 12:12 when I believe I finally fell asleep my lovely little 6yr. old Colin was heaving and crying in the bathroom which connect to our bedroom. We are of course on vaca. and I ask him what is wrong. He informs me that he is sick and throwing up. As I go into the bathroom I find it all over his hands which he is now rubbing on his shorts. I ask him if Dady is up and he says yes. Interesting as he is no where to be found. He fell asleep on the couch which is right next to the kitchen . This is how far he made it before he couldn't help himself and left a nice huge pile. He3 now proceeds after my little outburst( I know not very motherly of me) yo wipe his hands on the roll of toilet paper. Yuk! Now that is a mess. Off come the shorts noe he requests a shower as I am washing up the puke covered clothes. Still no Daddy. Of course I'm mumbling and grumbling about who needs sleep, great to know nothing changes even though it's vacation, blh,blah blah. He goes downstairs back to his bedroom to get dressed, I have a few word with my hyusband who is now not happy with me. He explains with an attitude how he heard the whole thing and only thought Colin had a stuffy nose and asked him to get a tissue. How do you not hear someone throwing up on a tile floor 5 feet from your head? As I crawl back into bed up comes Colin explaining how he can't find the light switch to get dressed. An to the rescue goes my wonderful husband with a " come here buddy Daddy will help you" What's wrong with this picture. So much for paradise!!!! All in a days work!

  7. UGH!!!! I can't believe Kell slept through the whole thing...but now that I think of it, Mike might have as well.

    Sorry I missed your call, happy you liked the fritters! (the batter is my mother in law's recipe)

  8. Oh, I feel for you b/c I have so been there before!

  9. I just felt like it... :-) Wow. Excellent work getting it taken care of, but oh my, it is so hard in the middle of the night, especially with a sleeping spouse!

  10. That is such a classic story and is just like our house - I could be up all night with the kids and my husband would never know it.
    I just started ready your blog and love it! Thank you for your blog posts.


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